


Ben Solo Jr and Quirin Jinn Try to Save Ben’s Dad (And Mess Up a Little on the Way)

by slinden



Series: When You Come Back to Me (Again) [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 08:39:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16343537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slinden/pseuds/slinden
Summary: What happens when you try to change the past?A one-off sequel to the alternate ending of When You Come Back to Me (Again).





	Ben Solo Jr and Quirin Jinn Try to Save Ben’s Dad (And Mess Up a Little on the Way)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks everyone again for the comments and kudos on the main fic (which you should read to understand this). I didn't want to make this a multi-chapter fic so sorry for the pacing. I put this in Quirin's POV rather than Ben Jr's just because Quirin has much more guilt to deal with. Reality is basically out the window and it goes a little Butterfly Effect; hope it's not too weird :) Peace and love!

 

Quirin Jinn rested his head against the window of the taxi and sighed. His parents still wouldn’t let him take the car to school and that meant getting to Rey’s after was always a crawl across the city. In the dark corner of his mind, he wished he could live his last driver’s exam over and over again to properly get his license; he'd barely passed and mom wasn't happy.

He thought about the loop most often on its anniversary. He hated having to sit through school and look at all of the normal people around him, living average lives. He had been in the papers when he was a kid, but no one asked about it anymore, thankfully. He would occasionally get a creative writing assignment questioned when he described unimaginable things. Mrs Yaddle, in homeroom, knew who he was and what day it was and softly tapped his desk when she walked by at the end of the day.

He sighed as Rey and Ben’s apartment came into view. He wanted to think of it as Kylo’s, but he never knew Kylo there. In the loop, he only remembered him in his room, in Albany, the aquarium, _the shack_ , and finally in the cathedral. When he and Ben visited, they met him at his apartment, at the station, and other places. But that was just playing in the past. It wasn’t real.

He fished the key out of the planter and smiled. He’d forgotten his extra key so many times that Rey had pointed out where the spare key was in case he needed to get in. He turned up his music as he entered the elevator, trying to think about something, anything, that wasn’t that day. He almost looked forward to doing his calculus homework so he could stop thinking about Kylo all the time.

He’d died for them and it had taken him years to deal with all of that.

He carefully used the key on the door; Ben wouldn’t be home yet and Rey was probably still asleep. Still listening to music, he hung up his coat and slipped off his shoes. When he turned around, Rey was sitting at the kitchen table, with her eyebrows raised at him.

 _Shit_ , he thought. She sipped at her coffee cup and motioned to the table.

“Ben told me something this morning,” she said as Quirin shut off his music and sat down, tensing. “Tell me about the game, Quirin Geoffrey Jinn.”

He sat back, shoving his hands into his hoodie. _Shit_ , _shit_ , _shit_. “It’s just a game.”

Rey just glared at him and he shifted, uneasily. He finally looked up to meet her sharp eyes and he swallowed.

“Okay, um,” he reached for her coffee cup and took a drink. “Can I have my own cup?”

“Don’t change the subject, Qui,” she shook her head and went to pour him his own coffee. “Tell me how it works.”

She placed it in front of him and his stalling time had ended.

“Don’t get mad,” he said, still trying to buy more time.

“I’m already mad. Tell me.”

He took another sip of coffee. She didn’t look mad. Only tired. He’d seen her exhausted before, after a case. But this was just the weariness of being frustrated with the day and him. He knew that he acted out. He had a phase when he was eleven when he was determined to be Kylo and she dealt with it with the same eyes that she had now. He swallowed. “So, when Ben was three and I was watching him alone we were playing and he cut himself.”

“On what?”

“A knife.”

“Why did you have a knife with my three-year-old son?”

“We couldn’t find the scissors?”

She took a long deep breath. “Quirin…”

“I know, but it happened and he was fine. He didn’t even cry. But I got this idea that we should be blood brothers. Some guys at camp were talking about it and we’re cousins, and basically brothers. Ben thought it sounded cool so I cut my thumb too. And then we pushed them together,” he met his right and left thumb, with the still-healing cut, and twisted them in the air, “And the only thing I could think about was how much I wanted Kylo to be there and when I said that, Ben closed his eyes and then…then we weren’t here anymore.”

He saw her shoulders tense. “Where were you?”

“We were here, but _not_ here, you know?” He stared his cup again. “Kylo was on the phone, calling you in the loop. He turned and saw us and freaked out.”

She sighed. “What did you do?”

“I was just so happy; he was there and he was alive and I just couldn’t believe it,” he excitedly recalled the memory. “I didn’t think and told Ben it was his dad and he started crying. Kylo didn’t know what we were talking about. I felt really bad. But when we sat down and Ben calmed down, we told him what had happened. He was still freaked out, but he looked sad when I told him what happened. He didn’t say what day it was, but I don’t think that you guys had the clues. I still don’t know what those are, since no one will let me look at the case, so I couldn’t help him. We had to go before you got there.”

“He…he told me. In a dream,” she looked down. “What about the other times?”

Quirin felt his ears burn. “I don’t…if we go on days that aren’t today, then we can’t change things. At least that’s what Kylo says. He remembers…but it’s like we need to remind him. We’re usually with you today, so we’ve never gone…today. I don’t really get it. But we don’t stay long. He talks about you; he tries to tell me why he did it and…”

“Don’t,” she just said, putting her head in her hands. “Not today, Qui.”

He slowly nodded and looked down. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

She sat up again, taking their mugs. “Ben will be here soon, with Leia.”

He sat silently for a moment. “Can we try it?”

She roughly set the mugs down. “We’ll talk about it later.”

Quirin left the kitchen and grabbed his backpack. He took his homework and his phone to the blanket fort and started on his English homework, hoping to get through the chapter of _Catcher in the Rye_ before Ben got home. He was already too tall and lanky to fit into the space for a child so he stretched out on his stomach. Part of him wanted them to get a bigger apartment; he could move there when he was in college rather than at his parent’s place in the suburbs, or in the dorms. But another part of him didn’t want her to leave Kylo’s space. His eyes kept blurring on the page and he sighed to himself. He also wanted things to stay the same.

Typing notes on his phone, he heard Rey drop something and swear. He peeked out from his hiding spot and saw her picking up pieces to the mug. She looked at it and he saw tears in her eyes as she knelt down.

“Rey…”

“It’s okay, Quirin. He’s gone, but I still don’t like breaking his things,” she said as she tossed the broken shards away. She didn’t turn to look at him again and went to her bedroom instead. The door closed and he looked up at the ceiling. Could he and Ben really fix things? It was really Kylo’s idea, to be fair. Maybe they were just having delusions. But he’d also lived the same day something like 50 times so who knew what was possible.

He heard a key in the door and Ben burst into the room, spotting him and running up for a hug. “We got cupcakes today! Grandma brought them to the class!”

Leia stood in the doorway and smiled. “We were fifteen minutes late. I didn’t want to get him in trouble. Where’s Rey?”

He gestured at the bedroom. “She broke a cup, one of Kylo’s. I don’t think she’s doing that good today.”

The older woman sighed. “She said that she forgot this morning. She only had one day with him. It’s not fair.”

Quirin nodded, sadly. “Are you going to stay?”

Leia shook her head. “Luke needs a ride from the airport. And I’m getting too old to keep driving him around. Let Rey know I said hi and I will call her later.”

The boys were left alone and Ben went to the fridge to get some juice. He drank from the carton with shaky hands and Quirin cringed at what he had taught his friend.

“Ben, did you tell your mom about the game?”

Ben precariously put the carton on the counter. “Yeah. She didn’t get _that_ mad.”

“Do you think she’ll let us do it?”

The boy shrugged. “Mom is really brave. She wants me to be like that too. So maybe?”

He glanced at Ben’s backpack, tossed in the corner by the door. He should really put a chair there. After grabbing it, he took out the homework folder and sat down at the table, opening the brightly coloured workbook. He quietly handed Ben a pencil and the boy nodded, sitting across from him. They started working on his vocabulary and math and waited for Rey to be done with her time alone to think. Ben would sometimes argue with him about homework, but today he just seemed focused on getting through it so they could sit in the fort again. That was dad time.

He was explaining the difference between hare and hair when Rey joined them again. She sat down and gave Ben a small hug, looking over the sheet. “These look correct.”

“Qui helped me,” he kissed her on the cheek. “Don’t be sad. I don’t want to be sad either.”

“I’m not sad,” she shook her head. “I’m just tired today.”

They finished the homework and he kept glancing at Rey the entire time. He wanted to do more to help her, but he couldn’t take her with them. She couldn’t meet him again unless they could do something to change the ending. She caught him looking at her and gave him a small smile. They’d always have this day.

Ben started fidgeting, picking at the bandage. “Can we show mom the game now?”

Quirin sat up a little straighter, avoiding Rey’s eyes. He ran a hand through his hair and finally looked at her. She pursed her lips.

“Yes, you can show me,” she said and nodded.

Quirin bit his lip, suddenly losing his confidence. He shook it off, putting on a blank face. He rubbed at the healing cut on his thumb. It wasn’t more than a paper cut last time. He nodded, standing to get the small pocketknife from his bag.

Ben jumped up and grinned. “Mom, I’ll tell daddy that you love him.”

Rey sat at the table, taking a deep breath as Quirin ran the blade over his thumb. Ben peeled back his bandage and he carefully opened the boy’s wound with a hiss.

He gave Rey one last look as he put his uncut hand around Ben, pulling him into a half hug. “Ben, there’s a day I want to go to. Let me think about it. You just think about dad.”

“Dad!” He grinned, looking at his mom. He didn’t seem to realize the pained look that crossed her face. But Quirin saw it and cringed as their eyes met.

He reached for his cousin’s hand and pressed their wounds together. The world started to hum and there was a distinct pressure in his chest as he felt Ben pressing closer to him. He was usually the only thing he could feel, other than his own head spinning. It was like shifting through white fog; it wasn’t like waking up in the loop, but it was close to it.

They were standing in the aquarium, by the shark exhibit and he grinned. Ben looked around him, grinning. “Wow.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Your mom and dad will be here soon.” He looked around, remembering the sounds and smells of the place. “And me.”

“But you’re already here.” Ben squinted. They both turned as the sliding doors opened. There was Kylo, Rey, and himself at nine years old. Kylo swept the room, like he was looking for the men in black. He straightened his shoulders and took Ben’s hand.

The three walked by them and Ben’s eyes shone at his father. Quirin couldn’t take his eyes off of himself. He was shorter than he remembered. He was only a few inches taller than Ben. But then again, Kylo was Ben’s dad.

They trailed after. He caught his younger self glancing behind them, looking at Ben. Ben waved. The trio stopped when younger Quirin tugged at Kylo’s coat. “Can I play with him?”

Quirin felt his shoulders go rigid when Kylo turned to look at him. His eyes narrowed, looking from the teenager to the boy holding his hand.

“Hey,” he felt his voice squeak. “It’s okay.”

Rey had turned and reached for Kylo’s hand. “What is it?”

Ben broke from him before he could stop it. He ran up and hugged her.

“Hi!”

“Hello,” she said, looking down at the boy. “Who are you?”

“Ben.” He smiled, he shyly glanced up at Kylo. “Hi.”

He met his younger self’s eyes. He didn’t remember this. This wasn’t a day in which they changed anything. This was only a short visit. They couldn’t stay long. His chest tightened as he looked at the adults. This was different.

In the glow of the aquarium, Ben moved to hug his dad. Quirin watched, remembering hugging Kylo the last time. He wanted that too. The weight of the day came down on him and he wiped at his eyes. Ben looked up at him and frowned his exaggerated frown, the one that meant he was disappointed in the fact that he knew his dad better than he did.

“Qui?” He asked.

Both him and his younger self looked to the smaller boy. His heartbeat quickened.

“Ben,” he said. “We need to go.”

Kylo gave him a confused look: the one that meant that he remembered from the day. He felt his lungs getting heavy.

“Ben!”

The boy scrambled from his dad to take his hand. He dropped down in his thoughts back to the apartment and the shift happened again, rapidly and painfully. The ache in his lungs spread to his head and he felt faint as he clung to his friend.

He woke up with a headache. He was on a floor, but he didn’t know which floor. It had never felt this heavy before. He blinked awake when Ben sat up and forced him awake. They were back. Like they always were.

Rey’s face filled his vision and he gasped, able to breathe again.

She looked at him firmly. “You can’t do this again.”

“What?” He asked. “What happened?”

She turned and looked at him with fear in her eyes. “You both disappeared! Quirin, no!”

He sat up, brushing his hair back. “We didn’t change anything Rey. We just saw you. At the aquarium. I told you about that.”

He took a deep breath and Rey frowned, moving to grab a pair of tissues for him and her son.

“And your noses are bleeding.”

He pressed the tissue to his nose and frowned. “That hasn’t happened before.”

Ben just laughed. “I think it’s cool.”

He chuckled. “It is cool.”

“No,” Rey said, sharply. “None of this is cool.”

She moved away to sit at the table and folded her arms. Quirin stood up and looked around. But he was almost certain that he could change things, if they stayed longer.

“Rey,” he finally said. “I need to read about the case. Not just the stuff in the papers. I need to see what you and Poe wrote. I need to see the file. If I’m going to fix it.”

She looked at him with brief fury in her eyes and then calmed as Ben sat across from her. “I can’t let you do that, Quirin. The fact that you disappeared…”

“It just means that it worked!” He finally shouted. “We were there, Rey! Maybe I don’t remember because I was a stupid kid, but we were there!”

“Don’t yell at my, Quirin Jinn,” she replied angrily. “If you go there, you risk meeting that man. You risk meeting the person that took the _only_ man I’ll ever love from my life. You can’t take my son there. I can’t lose him too.”

Bitter tears slipped down her eyes and he saw Ben start to cry as well. He’d been too angry. He was wrong to be mad, but he hated this day. He hated remembering dying. He hated thinking about the fact that he shared something with Kylo that made them cursed to die by the hands of a madman. He firmed his fists and stormed off into Ben’s room. He slammed the door shut and sat on the small bed, moving the tissue from his nose to his eyes. He felt guilty for not giving her the key in the cathedral that day. It weighed on his mind always, but this day was not his, it was Kylo’s.

A small knock, just below the knob, stirred him. Ben had knocked on his own bedroom door.

“Hi,” he said, still wiping at his eyes. “Mom’s crying again.”

“I’m sorry I yelled.” He sat up and Ben curled under his arm. “It’s my fault.”

“It’s okay to cry,” Ben shrugged. “I still don’t like it.”

Quirin was quiet, stroking the dark hair on Ben’s head. None of this was fair. He was being selfish asking for it. Rey’s words stung him. She could have dated anyone. He remembered seeing someone ask for her number when they were at the park. Ben was on the swings and Quirin was pushing him, but he still saw a dad, his young daughter in hand, come up and talk to her. The girl sprang down to them and he helped her onto the swing. This was three years ago, but he still remembered them talking. He felt bad when he saw her shake his head as the man held up his phone. His eyes were back on the kids when Rey’s head had turned.

“Can we…try again?” Ben’s voice was small.

Quirin sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t know if it works if I go alone.”

Ben shoved him. “I’ll go with you, duh.”

He rolled his eyes. “Your mom was really upset, B.”

Another, more firm knock, interrupted them. “I’m ordering pizza.”

“Okay, we’re coming.”

He helped Ben off the bed and shoved the tissue in his pocket. There was nothing normal about this day, but pizza was at least something good about it.

She looked more like herself again when they came out. Ben grabbed his hand and dragged him to the blanket fort. Leia had brought by her photo album and they would look through it. It was a strange little family, but Quirin didn’t want to be anywhere else. Well, except one place. He’d be back in the church, giving her the key.

“I got one with pineapple,” she said, hanging up the phone. Ben made a face as she climbed into their fort. They cuddled together, looking at the pictures: Kylo as a boy, with his mom and dad; Kylo at school; Kylo trying to avoid getting his picture taking as a teenager. Quirin had seen these pictures so many times, but still smiled at the fact that he had that in common with him. The final pictures were when he was a cop, and detective. Leia wouldn’t let him put the picture from his obituary in the album, but he still had it at home.

Rey had to leave them when the door buzzed. He heard Ben sigh.

“He looks more real in the loop.” He frowned, closing the book.

“Yeah, I know.” He shrugged.

“What was he like when he was real real?”

This was always the question that Quirin hated. He’d answered it for both Ben and Rey. As he got older, his recollection had started to fade. The motions got less descriptive and the memories weren’t as sharp. He was losing him, like they had already lost him. Again, he hated himself.

Rey returned and Ben left him. He rested on the floor for a few minutes, looking at his hands. The years would just keep stretching on and he’d be further and further away from the day. He had a power. He wanted to use it.

He spotted Ben’s discarded tissue on the floor as he walked towards the kitchen. Rey looked up at him with a tight smile.

“What is it?”

“What if I can do it alone?”

She sighed, her face falling. “That doesn’t make it easier. I’d still be worried about you.”

“But it’s all my fault.” He met her eyes. “If I had just given you the key…”

“Qui, stop. We’ve talked about this. You were just a boy,” she said and shook her head. “Sit down and have something to eat.”

But he wanted to try anyway. He found the wettest part of the tissue and pushed his thumb against it and focused. Anywhere when they were happy, anytime that they were happy. He was tired of feeling bad for his choice.

His head ached. His stomach lurched and his lungs burned. He thought he knew where he was but the pressure in his chest spread to his head. He was standing at least. Ben wasn’t there. It had worked; it was dark outside. He was in the apartment, but it was a different time. He heard sounds coming from the other room and his eyes began to focus as he turned.

He blinked and realized what he was seeing. Kylo and Rey were naked on the couch, having sex; he was taking her from behind, thrusting into her. Quirin was still in the kitchen, but could see into the living room. He saw the look on her face from his angle and ducked behind the kitchen counter. But he couldn’t help from looking more. Shit. He was the worst. He could hear every sound and was _very_ glad that Ben wasn’t there. He’d seen her breasts, her head resting against the edge of the couch, facing in his direction. He’d seen…a lot of Kylo. Shit. He dropped down lower. He heard Kylo moan and needed to be somewhere, anywhere else. He covered his ears and regretted the experiment.

How could he get home without them noticing?

He pushed himself into a corner, regretting his long legs. Finally, he let his hands fall away and only heard them talking.

“Let’s…Rey…if I ever get the chance, we will spend the rest of our lives together.”

“Will we have children?”

 _Yes_ , Quirin thought. _You will_. _But you need to stay alive._

“Yes. If you want them.”

“I think I do.”

“Don’t ever let me give up.”

“I…as long as I’m me, I won’t let you.”

Quirin rested his head against his knees. He shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t be listening to this.

“What will you name our children?”

“We’ll talk about that when it happens.”

“You keep talking about Quirin. Maybe Quirin is a nice name.”

He almost laughed, but had to hold it in.

“It’s a great name. He likes you when you get to meet him.”

“You…are you scared of dying?”

“No, I’m scared of you dying.”

Quirin spotted a dark spot on the floor and stared at it. This was a personal moment and he was overhearing everything.

“Kylo, you…if this is really happening, you need to keep going. We’ll get him.”

He tensed, hearing them shifting.

“Do you…want some tea?”

“I’d love some tea.”

Quirin panicked as he heard footsteps coming towards him. He pressed on the open wound on his thumb, rubbing their blood together, hoping that it would work. There was a wet smear of Ben’s blood on his hand and he desperately pressed his cut into it. He needed to disappear. He focused back on today and felt his head got heavy.

And then Rey was shaking him. He looked up at the ceiling and shook his head.

“Where did you go, Quirin?” She asked. “Tell me.”

“But I saw you guys!” He said, sitting up. His eyes were instantly drawn to her chest and he tensed. “Rey, I…um….I need…I’m sick.”

He moved away, realizing where he was. It was back in the today. Ben was still there, sitting at the table, a piece of pizza in his mouth. He reached for him as he passed by, but he pushed him gently aside as he ran to the washroom.

Taking deep breaths, he hated himself and the feelings that the sight had stirred. He locked the door and undid his pants. He was hard; he couldn’t believe that he was. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror, but opened the cupboard and grabbed for some lotion. He started stroking himself, thinking about the image and the sounds of them having sex. Seeing how Kylo looked at her and how they talked made him feel guilty, but at the same time embarrassedly turned on. He focused on Rey’s breasts and bit his lip. This was Ben’s mom and Kylo’s wife. Okay, not technically but whatever. He couldn’t think about her like that, but he still did. He had never been this turned on before and it brought on erotic dread. But just the memory of hearing it, the sounds of their flesh meeting, pushed him over the edge. He groaned, biting his lip. Kylo had been _inside_ her. He finally felt himself come and moaned as quietly as he could. He felt his body shaking and felt another wave of guilt. That couldn’t happen again. That was the wrong day.

He washed his hand and groaned, pulling up his pants. That was never going to be a good time to just drop in.

He finally looked at his reflection. What was he thinking? How was he going to look at Rey now?

He heard a soft knock on the door and reached for it. Ben stood there, looking hurt.

“You went without me,” the boy said as he frowned. “Did you see dad?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I did. But it was…weird.”

Ben looked over his shoulder and closed and locked the door. Quirin stepped back and slid against the wall until he was sitting on the cool tile. He thought that masturbating would make it better, but it just made it feel worse. Ben looked at him with big brown eyes and sat down beside him.

“What happened?”

He looked at his hands. He couldn’t lie to him. “It’s like…when we went to days that you don’t exist. I was in one where you should have been born, but I think it ended badly.”

Ben frowned, looking so much like his dad that Quirin had to look away.

“What do you mean?”

Quirin closed his eyes. He didn’t want to have this conversation. “Okay, it’s like this, your mom and dad loved each other a lot.”

“Yeah! Dad says that all the time,” Ben smiled. “Did you talk to him?”

Quirin blushed. “Not really. But there are some days that, um, your mom and dad don’t…have sex.”

Ben quirked his head. “Huh?”

He should get Rey. He should get his mom. He could get anyone. Even Mrs Yaddle from homeroom. But he was the only one there.

“They need to make you, Ben. Your dad says that he loves your mom and she says it back. Then they do something that’s really special and…um…your dad puts, like, a little version of you in her stomach. And then you grow. You saw the pictures, right, of your mom?” His friend nodded and Quirin felt overwhelmingly awkward. “So you grow and then you’re born. And then we’re friends. We can only save your dad on the days that…that happens. I think.”

“But dad loves mom every day,” Ben said, crawling under his arm. “Today, tomorrow, forever.”

“I know, bud,” he said, hearing Kylo’s words inside of him. “We’ll save him. I’m sorry I left you behind.”

Ben yawned and hugged him closer. He looked up as the doorknob wiggled. He heard Rey’s voice and reached up to unlock it. She looked at them both with sad eyes and sat next to Quirin. He tried not to flinch at the contact as she put her arm around them.

“I’m sorry for being mad,” she said, her gentle voice calming him. “What happened?”

He bit his lip again and realized that he couldn’t cover Ben’s ears. He focused on the wall and sighed. “I saw you guys…at a private time.”

She sat up a little and he heard her exhale. “But it wasn’t the right day?”

He shook his head. “I think it was the day that Kylo has talked about before with us. It was a really bad day.”

She leaned against him again. “But you saw him. Quirin, I wish that I could go with you. I don’t want only memories anymore. I want him.”

They sat on the bathroom floor, the strange family that his death had created. What should he do now? They could try again. They needed to try again. It only worked on this day.

“Rey, we need to try it again. I don’t want to disappear, but we’ve only got today.”

He felt her nod and looked at her son.

“Do you want to try it again, Ben?”

He instantly nodded. “Yeah. When Q is feeling better.”

He felt Ben move away from him and leave the room. He was alone with Rey: the last thing he wanted.

“Did you tell him?” She asked.

Quirin had to nod. “I don’t think that he got it.”

She sighed, keeping her head against him. “Tell me what you saw. I miss him. This day…I forgot that it was his day. I never thought that I’d forget.”

He shook his head. “Rey... I can’t tell you what I saw. Kylo was…yeah, you guys were having sex. I only looked for like a second, I swear. You two were saying such nice things that I still can’t believe he’d just give up. I don’t want to think about it.”

She sat up and wiped her eyes. “Quirin, God, I’m sorry. That was…I shouldn’t have asked you that.”

He looked at her, and his eyes were drawn to her lips. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known. He knew why Kylo loved her. He knew why he loved her. She was smart, but still soft. He could almost read his thoughts when he was having a bad day. She was doing most of being a mom on her own. He’d known her longer than Kylo, but still didn’t want her to be with anyone else. She gave him a small smile and he felt lost. He was going to do something stupid.

He leaned forward and kissed her. He’d never kissed anyone before. Her lips were soft for the brief second they met before she pulled away.

“Quirin.” She put his hand on his chest. “Don’t.”

He looked away, his face burning. “Rey, Rey, I’m so sorry. I…fuck.”

She made him look at her again. “Qui, don’t get confused. You are great. I’ve watched you grow up. You’re going to be a great man; you already are. I don’t want to make you keep going through this. Today hurts. I see Ben in his son and it makes my heart hurt. What you’re doing scares me. Maybe we should just let him go.”

He shook his head. “I can do it, Rey. I…I’m sorry for kissing you.”

She smirked. “It’s…okay.”

Quirin brought himself to his feet and helped her up. He didn’t realize how much taller he was than her at this point.

“You are a Solo.” She looked at him. “I’ve seen it in pictures, and from Leia’s stories.”

He grinned. “So, you’ll let me change my name?”

“Not a chance.”

Ben was sitting in their blanket fort, pouting, when they entered the living room. He went to his friend and put his arm around him.

He leaned forward and whispered in his ear, “I’m sorry. Don’t get mad. I kissed your mom.”

Ben punched him in the arm. “Why did you do that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know why.”

Ben pursed his lips. “Don’t kiss my mom, Quirin. That’s gross.”

He smirked and then nodded: _Rule One_. “I won’t. I promise. Do you want to try again? Together?”

He quickly needed to change the subject and replace the memories with something else. Ben nodded, instantly, pulling off his bandage. “Don’t go without me again.”

He reached for his hand and pressed their cuts together. He closed his eyes and saw Ben doing the same. Together, they focused on where and when they wanted to be. He hoped that he wouldn’t end up in an awkward place this time. He anticipated the rush of moving through whatever was happening. They wouldn’t be gone long. He thought about the case. He wanted to know more.

They were in the station. He was here before, but in real life. It felt real now too. He nodded to Ben as they looked around for them. They spotted Kylo in the break room, sitting next to Dameron. They both turned to look at them with confused eyes; they were obviously interrupting something. Dameron stood.

“Where did you guys come from?”

Kylo looked from him to Ben and Quirin tried to send thoughts through the air. _This is your son_. _We need to talk_. “We’re here to see him.”

Dameron looked back to Kylo who nodded. “It’s okay.”

“Well, I’ve got work to do.”

Kylo leaned back, looking tired. “You both look like someone that I know.”

“Daddy, it’s me!” Ben said, a little too loud. “Do you remember? We’ve been here before.”

After briefly shutting his eyes, he nodded. “Yeah, bud, come here.”

Quirin stood back as Ben ran to hug his dad. “It’s the day that you die forever, dad, and we’re trying to stop it.”

Kylo met his eyes for a second as he held the boy in his arms. “I gave you that idea, didn’t idea?”

Quirin felt himself getting frustrated. “How can you remember, if we’re going to change things? Like, none of this makes sense.”

Shrugging, Kylo pulled Ben into his lap and gestured to the chair beside him. “Sit down. I…I might have figured it out.”

Reluctantly, Quirin crossed the small space between them. He sat down, slouching, his hands in his hoodie pocket.

“Sit up.” Kylo smirked at him. “It’s like this, guys, if I see you, and talk to you, we’re all in the loop, okay? I can remember things from other days. Even you, bud, on the days that…that it happens.”

Quirin blushed, looking down. “So, we can’t talk to you? Ben really misses you. And I miss you.”

“Quirin, it’s not easy to explain,” he hugged his son and frowned. “When you speak to me, when I meet Ben, we’re almost like Anakin. You both are trying to bring back someone who maybe can’t be brought back. I didn’t mean to give you all hope, especially Rey.”

“She cried when she broke a mug today,” Quirin frowned. “She’s not okay. She _forgot_ today. Tell me what to do. Kylo, this is all my fault. I need to fix it.”

He smirked. “You sound like me.”

Ben sat up, playing with his father’s hair. “We can do it, dad. I want mom to be happy. I don’t want just pictures anymore.”

Kylo held Quirin’s eyes and he saw a pain there that hadn’t been there before. It was like he was trying to tell him to give up again. As long as this hope was left alive, they’d never move on. Quirin fiercely shook his head. Not this time. Kylo buried his head in his small son’s shoulder and his body briefly shivered in a sob that couldn’t be heard.

“I’m not giving up,” Quirin sat up. “Tell me what to do.”

Kylo lifted his head from Ben. “Don’t talk to me. You can talk to Rey, but don’t talk to me if it’s this day. If I know, then we’ll be in this situation. Time’s stopped. We’re stuck here until you leave. Find Anakin on the last day. _The last day_. Try to stop him, or try to get Rey the key. That’s what you need to do.”

Ben was taking in the words and his sharp eyes turned up to his dad. “I don’t want to say goodbye, dad. I always want to see you. I don’t want to not talk to you. Please.”

“Shh, Ben.” Kylo hugged him. “I miss you too. But I’m with you, you know. I told you before. I watch you, in your dreams. Okay?”

Ben sobbed. “It’s not the same. Everybody else has a dad. Quirin has a dad. I’m just with mom and she’s sad all the time. I hate me. I hate being me. Quirin’s sad too but he got to meet you. I don’t want just dreams.”

Quirin instantly looked down; Ben had never talked like this before. It was more about memories and the emotions related to them than actual feelings. He was starting to feel more guilt rise in his chest. He’d done this. They’d never say it, but it was his fault that Kylo died.

“Hey, shh, Ben.” Kylo rubbed their noses together. “You can do it. I’ll see you again. If you do it, you’ll have never felt these things, okay? But if it doesn’t…”

“It will,” Quirin said, hearing his voice shake at the end. “But he won’t get hurt.”

Kylo slowly nodded. “Time to go, boys.”

“No, daddy,” Ben hugged him again. “No.”

“I love you,” Quirin heard him whisper. “Tell your mom I love her too.”

“Today, tomorrow, forever?” Ben’s small voice replied.

“Yes, always.”

Quirin limply reached for him and Ben reluctantly left his father. He took his hand and he watched Kylo fade away, realizing that this might be the last time they would speak. He felt Ben’s tears dampen his shirt and the shift took them back to where they should be.

They were back in the fort and Ben rolled to sit closer to him, crying against him. He held him, feeling the warmth drip down his nose. Ben sobbed, and he felt tears come to his eyes. They should stop. This was too much. Maybe next year when Ben was older? They could try again. But that would still be another year of stoking the fires of memories that were fading. What was he supposed to do?

Rey gently knelt down by the entrance of their fort. “Did you go again?”

“Yeah,” Quirin managed to say. “He…we have rules now.”

She pursed her lips. “He’s tired. Come and eat, Qui, let him sleep.”

“Is that okay, Ben?” Quirin whispered.

“Sure,” he nodded. “I’ll talk to dad in dreams.”

Frowning, Quirin slowly moved away from the boy and fixed his hoodie as he stood. He gave Rey a tight smile and went to eat the cooled pizza. He was actually starving and was glad that there was so much left. He had eaten half a pizza before he realized that she was looking at him.

“What did he say?”

He shrugged and frowned. “We can’t talk to him. It…it ruins the loop. Ben didn’t like it, the goodbye part. I don’t like it because, like, he’s the only adult that we know there.”

“Qui, you don’t have to do this.”

He took a bite and chewed slowly, finally sitting down. He swallowed, hard and met her eyes. “He wants us to give up. But I don’t want to. Maybe we can wait and…”

“Quirin, it was never your fault. I don’t want to say it again.” She sat back, closing the pizza box. “I might have forgotten today, but I won’t forget him.”

“But it’s not okay to give up,” he shook his head, tossing the crust aside. “I don’t want to let him down again.”

She tilted her head, looking suddenly older in that look. “You did what he told you. Even if he was wrong, you were just a boy and he was trying to protect us. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was selfish asking you to try this. God, when you first disappeared, Qui, I thought I was going to die. It was like you had never been there. In the time that you were gone, I started to feel like I was forgetting you…this…this scares me.”

“But you miss him more?”

Her head dropped with remorse. “ _Yes_.”

“Me too.”

She lifted her head. “At least I have you two.”

Quirin looked away again. “Even if I kissed you?”

She snorted. “Just don’t do it again.”

He ate a little more and they sat in silence. He really wanted to look at the case, to get a better idea of the day. He only knew his part, but he guessed that the station was a good place to start. He could ask people who weren’t him about it, especially Rey.

He stared out the window. It was starting to get dark. The crow had returned, hopping on the windowsill. He stared at its ancient eyes as it quirked its head. Standing, he stretched.

“I have tennis tomorrow morning,” he sighed. “I’m starting to suck at it.”

She shook her head. “You have to keep trying. Maybe do something different. You don’t get better at things if you keep repeating the same mistakes.”

He smirked. “I wish I could tell my nine-year-old self that. I was so bored with the same day, but didn’t realize that I could just, you know, run away. I was so depressed until you guys found me. Anakin kept killing me and I was just worn out.”

Nodding, she looked passed him, to the fort. “I hope that this never happens to him. Going into the loop already scares me.”

Ben stirred, emerging with a yawn. “Hi.”

Quirin gave him a small wave. “Ready?”

He nodded, rubbing his fingers together. “Yeah.”

Again, they held hands. Quirin took a deep breath. His head hurt as they shifted into the day. He kept hating this part, even though he was getting used to it. Where were they? He reached for Ben’s hand as his vision came back to him. They were in the police station again. He saw people glance at them as they walked by. He tried to stand up straighter, looking like he belonged there, but that wouldn’t work. Where was Kylo?

He took Ben forward, looking around. He spotted Dameron and waved. The other man looked at him with confusion.

“Okay, who are you?” He frowned.

“We’re looking for Kylo and Rey, are they here?” He asked.

Dameron rolled his eyes. “You know he was shot right? Who’s the kid?”

Ben looked up and waved. “Hi. He’s my dad.”

Quirin had to look at the ceiling and took a deep breath. Ben wasn’t good at this. But if Kylo had been shot, he might be out of it. He had to take a chance.

Dameron took a slow step back. “He was shot this morning. You probably shouldn’t see him, but given how fucked up this day has been, you might as well. I’ll…I’m probably doing the wrong thing, but come on.”

He brought them to a room that looked like a closet and knocked on the door. He heard Rey’s voice and he opened the door.

“So, just to add to the weirdness, here are some kids to see him.”

Dameron left them alone and Rey studied them. Kylo was asleep on her lap. Okay. Here we go.

He pushed Ben forward. “Go say hi to your mom and dad.”

Ben ran forward and hugged her and climbed onto the bed next to her, reaching for Kylo to take his limp hand. “Is daddy sick?”

She looked confused, looking from the boy to him again. “Who are you? What is he talking about?”

He shifted his weight from side to side. “This is going to sound weird…”

Ben suddenly waved at him. “Q, he’s thinking about grandpa. Come here and feel.”

He slowly stepped forward, sitting on the bed that was opposite to Rey. She was looking at the man in her lap and the boy touching him. Kylo looked really bad, Quirin realized. Was this the day that they went to Albany? No, it wasn’t. He had looked even worse that day. It couldn’t be. He slowly extended his hand and Ben brought it to Kylo’s chest. He felt himself intruding on a memory that he should never have seen. In a ghost space, one that he was slowly getting used to even though he hated it, he felt himself beside his friend in a strange haze of a memory. They were going too deep and he reached for the boy.

An older man turned and looked at them. The rest of the space was blurry and dark, like someone had dropped a sheet around them. He had a familiar face, though. He quirked a grin at them. “Who are you?”

“We’re um…” Quirin looked from Ben to the man. “We can tell you when we know who you are.”

“Smart,” he smirked. “You’ve been here before. I’m Han Solo.”

Ben’s eyes lit up and he reached for him. But his hands only met air in the dreamscape. “Grandpa, what’s wrong?”

“You’re in a dream, kid,” he smiled. “Things get weird here.”

Quirin sighed, trying to brush his hair back, but it didn’t feel right. They weren’t real in dreams. “Han, what do we do? We’re trying to save Ben, but it hasn’t worked. Are we in the right day? Do you know all of this? We’re just kids and…”

The other man shook his head. “It’s not. But you’re getting closer. Listen, kid, you know what day you need to go to. Think about that. Don’t go calling in old ghosts.”

Quirin nodded and felt the dream start to fade. He woke up with Ben by his side, sitting across from Rey and the unconscious Kylo.

“We’re so sorry, Rey, we didn’t mean to come here…” he trailed off. “We’re just worried about him.”

“Who are you? How do you know him?” She asked, her hand tensing in the sleeping man’s hair. “And why did he call him daddy.”

Quirin winced. “It’s…it’s like this. When you guys get the day right, Kylo’s going to do something dumb and he’d going to die. We were there and it’s been seven years and this is the first time we’ve really tried to fix it. Ben was always too small before. But your son wants to save him so we’re…going through the loops. We’re trying to get it right so you have a family.”

She slowly looked from him down to Kylo. “He’d really do that? Leave me?”

Again, he cringed. “He thought that it would help you. It’s, like, that he hates himself for how much you love him. He thinks that he’s not good enough, but he is. He’s the best man that I’ve ever known and I just want him back.”

Rey slowly looked up and smiled at him. “Can you help us, then? If you know what’s going to happen?”

Ben shook his head. “Only if you’ve made me today.”

“What?”

Quirin groaned. “This is…Rey, we can’t stop it if you guys haven’t…had sex.”

Rey closed her eyes. “As if this day couldn’t get any stranger. He was shot this morning. He’s on some serious drugs, babbling about us being married. What do you think?”

Quirin winced to himself. “Yeah.”

Ben left the bed again to curl up next to his father. Quirin felt his frown getting deeper. “Ben, we should go. It’s not the right day and we’re making your mom upset.”

Rey slowly reaching out to touch the boy, as if she was checking if he was real. “He looks so much like him.”

The boy yawned. “Can’t I stay here for a while? Until he wakes up?”

He didn’t know what to say. He thought about his own father. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, but Quirin still had started to resent him. His dad refused to listen to him when he wanted to talk about what had happened on the day. He didn’t want to talk about the evil man who had hunted children. When he was twelve, his dad made him throw out his collection of newspaper clippings; he lied and said he had and just found a better hiding spot. He remembered looking at the article about Kylo’s funeral and wishing that he had been his dad. Now he was lying there, passed out. He was real, not just some fantasy. He wished he could save them today; but there was always Ben to think about.

There was a sudden commotion outside and the fire alarm started to blare. Ben covered his ears and Quirin reached for him. Rey looked at them with slight panic. Quirin met her eyes and nodded.

“Ben, we have to go,” he grabbed his hand as the boy protested. “Think about home.”

“No, but dad…”

He pressed their fingers together and slammed his eyes shut. “Ben, now.”

Ben whined but Quirin started to feel heavy in his chest. He took a few deep breaths and they shifted in time and space. When the world went from blurry to sharp, he noticed they weren’t at the apartment.

They were at the beach.

“What did you do?” Quirin nearly snapped. Ben looked up at him with large eyes and he sighed. “What did you think about, Ben?”

The boy shrugged, pointing down the sand. “I wanted to see mom and dad happy.”

Quirin sighed, seeing Kylo and Rey sitting a short distance from them. He bit his lip and shook his head. “He talked about this day before.”

He remembered, one of the first times that they met Kylo in the loop, he brought up his day on the beach with her. The dress that she was wearing and how they felt safe. How the days after weren’t as hard and he could be focused.

He squeezed the boy’s hand. “We can’t talk to them.”

“I know,” Ben’s hand was limp in his. “This sucks.”

He frowned, watching Kylo tuck a strand of hair behind Rey’s ear. She looked beautiful and they looked relaxed. This was a beautiful day. He wished he could stop it. The hum of Han’s memory stirred within him and he got an idea.

“What if we stopped grandpa from dying?” He said. “What if he could kill Anakin first?”

Ben looked up with shining eyes. “Then I’d get a dad _and_ a granddad. Like you.”

Quirin winced. Ben had met his paternal grandfather last summer and was enamoured with the idea. But if he couldn’t talk to Kylo, then maybe he could talk to Han? Maybe he knew what was going on. But how would they get there without Kylo? He frowned, looking back down the beach.

“He told me, once, about how your granddad died,” he said, focusing on how Kylo was looking at Rey. He had to make this right. “Ben, what do you… _fuck_.”

His eyes shot up as he saw Kylo and Rey stand up and start to walk down the beach. He gripped Ben close to him and hoped that boy wouldn’t say anything. They stood there, silently, as they walked by, his arm around her, softly talking. Ben looked at him with furious and sad eyes, biting his lip. He hated keeping him from this moment.

He squeezed Ben’s hand as they walked by, still talking. “We need to get to granddad.”

Quirin thought about his scrapbook. He remembered finding the paper at Leia’s place and stealing it. He thought about the place and nodded.

“We can do it,” he frowned. “If you help me.”

“But what can I do,” Ben whined, looking over his shoulder at his dad. “I just want dad.”

He looked around for something to open his cut. It wasn’t bleeding anymore. “We need to find something.”

Ben was still looking at his parents and flopping down on the sand, looking at the waves. Quirin felt the rush of trying to move fade as he saw the small boy fold his legs under his chin. He was pushing him into a world that wasn’t meant for him. He just wanted a dad and he was trying to undo past mistakes. He really was more like Anakin than he wanted to admit. That blood was in Ben; it wasn’t in him. He was worried what would happen if he didn’t help Ben and they couldn’t save Kylo. If he grew up and lost someone, would he start the loop? He slowly sat down, hugging his cousin.

“I know everyone keeps saying that it will be okay,” he slowly said. “It’s fine to not trust us just because we’re bigger.”

Ben dug his hand into the sand, running his hand through it. “I know.”

“But do you believe it?”

Ben tilted his head, watching the waves again. “Qui, why do you talk to me sometimes like I’m an adult and sometimes like a kid?”

His chest tightened. “I don’t know. I want you to grow up normal, but you can’t. I didn’t. And it messed me up.”

“You’re not messed up.”

Quirin smirked. “I kissed your mom, Ben. I’m messed up.”

He turned his eyes towards the ocean and hugged his friend. This wasn’t where he wanted to be. Ben was just a kid. He’d picked the wrong time to try this.

“No, you’re you. I don’t have a dad, but I have you,” Ben leaned into him. “I…I lied to dad. I don’t really hate myself.”

“I know you don’t. You’re too happy. Being happy isn’t bad, you know?”

“Grandma makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. PlayStation is cool,” he replied, but Quirin was sure that he heard _when I win_ at the end. It made him laugh. His giggles slowly laughed to Ben who slowly started to laugh with him. It was like they were back on the couch, talking about nothing and feeling like brothers. But then Quirin got tall and started feeling sad most of the time, no matter what he did. He missed the time that he didn’t feel shame.

“Let’s make your grandma happy,” Quirin finally said. “I think I can get us there.”

Ben stood up, brushing off his pants. “Let’s steal something.”

“Your mom’s a cop! We’re not stealing a knife,” Quirin laughed. “But that is a good idea.”

They walked off the beach and started to see cafes come into view. He started looking for discarded knives or anything sharp. He finally saw a wine glass within reach of the sidewalk. He quickly snatched it and Ben grinned up at him as they dashed away. They found a quiet part of the boardwalk, off to the side, and he smashed the glass against the wall. He hated cutting Ben, but it was just small. It wouldn’t hurt that much.

“Okay, so think about the picture of your granddad and the dream,” he said and Ben nodded. “I think that I can do it. If it doesn’t work…then we’ll go home.”

Ben nodded. “I’ll do it, Qui.”

He pushed the sharp glass into his thumb and opened the wound. It hurt more this time for some reason and he winced. Ben looked at him with shocked eyes, but he tried to still his face before turning the glass to his hand. Ben closed his eyes and he sliced him. It was time to leave this moment.

Grabbing his hand, he thought hard about the article that he had read. About the ambush murder. About how it was a robbery. Where it was. When it was. Could they even go outside of this loop? Kylo’s dad had leapt too, but only in a dream; would this make it work? Could they get to him?

It hurt more than ever before. The pressure built beyond his nose into his ears. The headache was something that he’d never felt before; in the haze, he heard Ben scream and pulled him into a hug, gasping for air. He couldn’t breathe. He thought that they were dying. They were ripped from the near past into a distant past and the world melted around them.

Suddenly, he was gasping on cold pavement. He couldn’t find Ben until his eyes finally focused on him beside the wall. He was passed out. He didn’t know where or when he was. He automatically felt like this was a mistake. What were they even doing?

But then Ben stirred, sitting up. His voice was small when he spoke. “Granddad is coming.”

There were distant footsteps coming towards them and Quirin scrambled to his feet, reaching for Ben. It was night. They were on a sidewalk. He stood up and grabbed Ben as a uniformed man walked by with focus in his eyes. He still turned and looked at them, stopping briefly.

“Are you two okay?”

Quirin nodded. “Yeah, we just…fell.”

He saw Han’s eyes look at him with a bit of suspicion then he nodded and kept going. Fuck, they needed a gun. They needed to stop him. Unless there was a back way? He glanced around, not knowing where they were. This was an awful idea. He’d put Ben in danger and they had been away from Rey for too long. But if he’d died in the loop before…

He felt more of his overeager teenage bravado take over. He could do this. First: a gun. He glanced to either of his side, not knowing how much time that they had. There was a liquor store. Well, okay. Might as well try it.

“Ben, come on. Just don’t say anything,” he grabbed him and pushed open the door and tried to stand up as straight as he could. He was gradually getting more muscle but was still too thin to be taken seriously at his height.

The clerk frowned instantly at him. “What can I help you with?”

“I…we need a gun?” Quirin shut his eyes instantly at how he sounded. “A cop is going to get shot down the block and we need to help him.”

Instantly, the clerk pointed at the door. “Get the fuck out.”

“Wait, wait, okay,” Quirin raised his hands. “The shop, not far from here. Is there a back alley or something?”

The other man leaned back, sighing. “You just said that you wanted to kill someone. Why should I tell you?”

He shrugged. “I can’t kill anyone without a gun. I’m just asking about an alley.”

The clerk looked tired. “Go out the back door here. Just get out of here. I don’t care which way that you go.”

He grinned. “Thanks, man.”

There was no answer. He gripped Ben’s hand and left out the rear door. He counted the shops until they were in the one that he thought would be right. It was propped open by a concrete brick. His breath quickened. This was how Anakin got out. This was his exit. He opened it as quietly as he could and slipped inside, keeping Ben behind him as they entered the darkened back room. He heard voices as they got closer to the light leaking under the next door. He was sure he heard Han’s. He was focused on his goal and didn’t feel Ben shaking until they were close enough to hear Anakin’s voice; he was younger. He could stop it all now.

“Qui, I’m scared.”

He shook his head and whispered. “Just stay behind me. We’ll surprise him and granddad can shoot him.”

He waited, listening for the familiar words. It hit the right beat and he ripped open the door.

Two surprised faces turned to meet them. Anakin was much younger than he remembered and he gasped at the sight. The gun was pointed at them and firing before he could react. But the second it happened, Han shot Anakin. Han had killed him. Quirin felt the burn and fire of being shot tear through his chest and leg. Ben screamed, the shot landing in his shoulder. No, no, no.

He gasped, closing the door. He backed up, dragging them both towards another door, lowly lit in the corner. It was a storeroom. Han couldn’t talk to them. Han couldn’t see them again. He felt both of their blood, warm on his clothing. His heartbeat was getting weaker. He hadn’t felt the distinct feeling of dying for so long that he had nearly forgot; he never wanted Ben to feel this.

He head Han shouting for them as he found the door, throwing it open with is draining strength and dragging them both inside to lock it. He couldn’t find them. It needed to restart. If they died, it would restart, right?

“Am I dying?” Ben gasped.

“It’s…I’ve done it before,” Quirin felt a copper taste in his mouth. “We’ll wake up at home. It will be normal. It will be okay.”

He heard a banging on the door and hugged Ben. He couldn’t breathe anymore and his head was light. The last things he heard were the banging on the door and Ben gasping for breath.

And then it was quiet.

He was floating.

It was like the loop; he knew he was going to wake up, but still afraid that he wasn’t. He wasn’t dreaming, wasn’t awake, but still alive in some way. When he finally felt himself breathing again, there were stars in his eyes. He was on firm ground again. He was alive. It had been okay.

Quirin sat up, feeling dazed. He shook his head before getting to his feet.

“Ben?” He called, looking for his friend as his eyes came into focus.

But he was alone.

_What had they done?_

“Hey!” A man entered the storeroom, carrying stereo equipment. “What are you doing in here?”

Okay, so he was still where the robbery had occurred and Anakin had shot them instead of Han. The room came into view finally and he recognized the walls. He felt for the gunshot wound and it was just a tender reminder of the shot, not that much pain. It was like the loop wounds again. He tried to get his breathing under control, pressing against the ghost of the wound.

“I…got lost,” he shook his head. “Um, I’m here to apply for a job?”

The man shook his head and grabbed his arm with his free hand, leading him out of the room. “Come back with a resume and we’ll talk.”

He glanced at the counter, spotting the calendar on the wall. It was today again, the day that they had started. He shook his head. Ben should be there, but he wasn’t.

“Um, hey, have you seen my friend? He’s six and we were here hanging out?” He asked, looking around the room. They must have changed owners a bunch of times since the ‘80s.

“No kids in here, just you.” The owner didn’t look pleased with him, folding his arms and frowning. “Hanging out in my storage room, apparently.”

He bit his lip, feeling urgency start to rise. Ben must be at home. He still hadn’t figured out how jumping time in the loops worked. This was the first time that they tried it further than he remembered. They probably shouldn’t try it again.

“Okay, um,” he took one final look around the room. “Bye. Have a nice day.”

Outside, he sighed, rubbing his face. He needed to talk to Rey and he didn’t have his phone. Okay, back to the apartment to check on them. Checking his pockets, he let out an annoyed sigh. He didn’t have any money. It would take too long to walk. Dammit. Okay, Rey would be able to pay the taxi. He waved down a cab and gave the address, resting during the drive.

They’d saved Kylo’s dad, his uncle. That was pretty cool. But they also got shot and that sucked. He sat back and felt for the wound again. It almost felt fun to poke at it as the cab came to a stop.

“Hey, wait here. My friend will come down and pay,” he said. “I promise. She’s a cop.”

The cabdriver just rolled his eyes, leaning back. “She’d better be down right away because I’m leaving the meter running.”

Nodding, he went and grabbed the hidden key again. He’d have to remember to put it back this time.

Jogging up to the door, he was just putting the key in the lock when the door suddenly opened.

Kylo Ren was standing on the other side.

Quirin couldn’t breathe.

“Kylo?” He asked, blinking. It was him. He was older than he remembered, with slightly longer hair and wearing glasses, but he was standing there. Breathing. Alive. He threw his arms around him, hugging him. The older man just stood there, stunned.

“What?” He asked, pushing him back. “Who are you? And why are you breaking into my apartment?”

“No, no, it’s okay. It’s me, Quirin. Remember? From the time loop?” Quirin smiled brightly at him, happy nearly to the point of tears. They’d saved him without trying. “Where’s Rey and Ben? I need to talk to them. Holy shit, you’re alive!”

Kylo backed up, letting him into the apartment, gesturing at the empty rooms. “There’s no one else here so I think you might have the wrong address.”

“ _What_?”

“And what did you call me? I’m Ben Solo. Who’s Rey?”

Quirin’s legs gave out. Kneeling down he looked at the floor and felt it start to blur. It was the same day, the same floor, but Kylo was there. He started to shake, not able to catch his breath. They’d changed the wrong thing. What had they done? What had _he_ done? Why hadn’t he listened to Kylo?

“Hold on,” Kylo got him a glass of water and knelt down beside him. “Drink. Breathe. Whatever’s happening, I’ll help you. Okay?”

“You don’t remember the time loop? Anakin Skywalker kidnapping me and killing all those kids? Your partner, Rey?” Quirin took a slow drink of water, meeting the other man’s brown eyes. “You don’t remember me?”

Kylo looked endlessly confused. “Time loop? What are you talking about?”

Quirin couldn’t feel his arms, the glass shaking in his hand. “When…when did your dad die?”

Kylo sat back, almost glaring at him. “Two years ago from cancer.”

“Are you a cop?” He asked, his voice feeling small.

“Not anymore. I teach criminology now.”

“You never had a partner named Rey? She’s British and really pretty?” He asked. “And you’re in love with her?”

He blinked. “I’ve never had a female partner.”

Oh _God_ this was a mess. He’d changed the future, but not in the way that he should have. If Kylo and Rey didn’t meet then…oh _Fuck_. “Look I…I’m in trouble. I know that you must be busy, but I really need your help. I messed something up and you’re the only one who can help me. Please.”

“I don’t have any teaching today,” Kylo replied, studying him. “And how can I be the only one that can help you? Where are your parents? How old are you?”

“Sixteen. Look I…there’s a taxi downstairs. Can you…um…pay it for me? I don’t have any money. Then I’ll tell you what’s going on,” he slowly got up, looking around the familiar yet unfamiliar space. He’d changed the sofas. Rey had never done that. “I just need your help.”

His shoulders slumped, feeling a wash of contempt for himself settle in his stomach. Kylo stood beside him, clearly trying to place him from somewhere. “If you didn’t happen to have my apartment key and knew my grandfather’s name, then I probably wouldn’t do this.”

After clearing his throat, he left him alone and Quirin could finally take a deep breath. He went instantly to Ben’s room and it was still the guest room, with more papers and books stacked everywhere. If Rey and Kylo didn’t meet, that meant Ben didn’t exist. He had wiped his friend out of existence playing hero. Shit, how was he going to get anywhere without him? Would Kylo even be able to understand? God, how would Kylo explain this? He tried rubbing at the dried blood on his hand and it did nothing. He was trapped.

He was sitting blankly on the new couch, watching a crow through the window, when Kylo returned.

“Okay, now that you’ve cost me $40, tell me what’s going on. Who are you?” Kylo sat down across from him, adopting a cop-like posture. It made Quirin smile again just seeing him.

“I still can’t believe that you’re alive,” he shook his head. Today felt more real than the loop. This would be like it should be if he didn’t mess it up. “I miss you so much. Everyone does. Rey is sad all of the time and she thinks that we don’t notice, but she is. I always have to tell her about you and what I remember. About the other todays. And Ben…he’s starting to hate himself. I never knew that.”

“Okay, you can start with your name before telling me about how I’m dead,” he waved his hand. “Who are you?”

“Quirin Jinn. I’m your cousin. Your dad’s dad had, like, a second family and had my mom when he was really old. I want to change Jinn to Solo, but mom and Rey won’t let me,” he smirked. But Kylo’s eyes were still suspicious.

“Okay, second question: who’s Rey? And Ben?”

Quirin had to keep the frustrated sigh from leaving his lips. “She’s your partner. When we were in the time loop, and Anakin was killing everyone, he’d kill her every day. I died too, but I was just a kid. I have sort of forgotten those parts. But I know how much you love her and tell her that all of the time. You…you died protecting us. And when we’ve met in the other loops, the ones that Ben and me are creating, you tell us that you thought it was for the best to die for us, but it wasn’t. You missed everything and Ben doesn’t have a dad. That’s not fair. We needed you and you left us. I want to be mad and hate you, but I just can’t.”

He looked at him again and remembered how he looked at the funeral. He was cold, dead and gone. Outside of the loop, that was the last time that he’d really seen him, other than today. He remembered talking to Rey and holding her hand, telling her about how he had told her to ask Kylo to marry her and how she cried on his shoulder. He remembered them kissing at the aquarium. They were in love and he’d taken that from them both and then wiped his friend out of existence. He felt tears coming to his eyes and wiped them away.

“I’m…I’m sorry, Quirin,” Kylo slowly said, looking at him with concern. “That sounds awful. I don’t think that I understand, but you’re clearly in pain.”

“You and Rey have a kid and he’s my friend, sort of like a little brother,” he smirked, feeling a tear streak down his cheek. “We had this game where we cut ourselves just a little and go see you in the other todays. Ben is so happy that he gets to know you. Rey thinks the game is dangerous and she was right. I fucked everything up and I don’t know what to do. Without Ben, I can’t go into another today.”

There was a long silence. Kylo looked at him with confused but curious eyes. He must look totally insane, sitting there, telling this story.

“What did you do?”

Quirin winced. “We, um, wanted to see if we could go to other days in the loop, but in the past. Because it happened to your dad too, you told us. We went to the day that your dad was shot and stopped it. But then Anakin shot us and _bam_ Han shot him. Shit, that’s why he’s not here to start the time loop. Fuck.”

“Don’t swear so much,” Kylo shook his head. “Yes, my father had to kill my grandfather in self defence. He didn’t ever say anything about two kids being there.”

“I wish we could ask him,” he frowned. “I’m…I’m sorry he died.”

“It’s fine, Quirin,” Kylo sighed. “Can’t you talk to your parents about this? You’re not making a lot of sense right now. I don’t have a partner named Rey and I don’t have a son. And I’ve never been in a time loop, whatever that is.”

Quirin slumped down on the couch. “But you had an operation when you were little, right? For Macht-Vis?”

The other man slowly nodded. “Do I need to ask how you knew that?”

“I had it too. And so did Ben. That’s why we could do things with the loop. We’re trying to save you so Rey can be happy and Ben will have a dad,” he shrugged and felt tears again. His voice shook when he spoke again. “And now Ben doesn’t exist because you two never met. I don’t know how to fix this.”

“Would this Rey person be able to help you?”

“Maybe? She’s sometimes smarter than you are, and you’re really smart.”

Finally, Kylo laughed lightly. “Then I’ll help you find her. But as for your other problem, with the time loop or whatever, I’m going to have to think about what we can do to bring back your friend.”

“Thanks! Thanks so much Kylo.”

“Why are you calling me that?”

“It was the name you used, when you were a cop,” Quirin shrugged. “I thought it was cool, but everyone still calls you Ben. Even Rey.”

Taking out his phone, he looked her up. “What’s her last name?”

“Um…” he had to think. She’d been Rey Solo for years now. “Niima. With two i’s. She’s British, but I think the name is Finnish or something.”

Kylo searched for a phone number and address. “Yeah, here she is. That address isn’t good though.”

“Call her. Call her please.”

Frowning, he dialled the number. “It’s been disconnected.”

“Okay, can we go there? Oh, and can I drive on the way? This would be so much easier if I could drive better,” he asked, standing.

Kylo shook his head. “You’re not driving my car. And how old are you again?”

“Sixteen,” he said. “And what are you now? Like 41?”

“Yeah,” he answered, eyeing him. “When’s my birthday, then?”

“March 24th,” he answered. “I’m…I’m not as good at being in these loops as you were. I don’t really remember everything. You were really good at the details. Rey told me how you had all of these days in your head and I’m just…sucking at it. She won’t even let me look at the case file.”

“I’m going to need a longer explanation,” he gestured towards the door. “Let’s go and find your mystery woman.”

He trailed after him, feeling a mixture of guilt and happiness. He could talk to this Kylo. This had already happened. He didn’t remember the loop. In the garage, Quirin was surprised to see a silver car rather than Kylo’s normal one. He looked at him with surprise. “Where’s your other car?”

“This is my father’s. He gave it to me when he died,” he said, flatly. “Now come on.”

Driving through the city, Quirin felt more joy than panic take over. Kylo was here and maybe if he met Rey, then they could have another kid and it would be Ben again. Maybe that’s what he had to do. It would take time, but he’d have his friend back and he’d be able to go to college and help out too, then go to the academy. He could work with this. Kylo seemed more relaxed than he had before; not losing his father had changed him, but probably for the best. He smiled more at him and seemed to listen more. He told him more about the time loops as they drove and the parts of the days that he had heard about: how much he loved Rey and how he thought it was gross when they kissed.

“That’s quite a story, Quirin,” Kylo said, parking the car several blocks from Rey’s address. When he looked at him with a question, he shook his head. “I’m not parking this car on _that_ street.”

Kylo reached over and opened the glove box, taking out a gun.

“This isn’t a good neighbourhood. We need to be careful,” he said, putting the weapon in his jacket pocket. “I don’t think that your friend has a very good life.”

“She could be here helping people. You know, working with people on the streets and stuff,” he shrugged. “Oh, can you teach me how to shoot? I might need to…”

Kylo glared at him. That part reminded him of the Kylo that Rey talked about, the one before the loop.

“Okay, you don’t have to,” Quirin got out of the car and shoved his hands into his pockets. “But it’s for your son so…”

“I…I’m not teaching a sixteen year old how to shoot,” he wiped at his eyes. “What am I even doing here…?”

Quirin looked at the ground. “Your mom misses you a lot. I hear her talking to Quirin when I’m over and she’s telling him about how you were when you were a kid. You were quiet and she wishes that she spent more time with you.”

“Quirin,” Kylo reached and gripped his shoulder. “Look, I don’t know you. I don’t know how you know me. I’m going to help you, but if you’re going around thinking about these things, you should probably talk to someone.”

“You’re the only one I want to talk to,” Quirin answered, looking at his hand. It was the hand of an adult, compared to his awkward teenage hand. He swallowed, fighting back tears. This wasn’t the Loop Kylo who could remember all of the other days, or most of them. This was a real Kylo. “I like my dad, but you’re the only one who knows about all of this. You know about dying, you know about the loop. I just want you and it’s not fair that you left us. The loop days are for Ben and I feel selfish, but I just want you.”

He was tired from all of the jumps and the tears started to come and he couldn’t stop them. He wanted to be a man, but at the same time, he didn’t want to hold back. He put his arm up to his face and cried into his sleeve until Kylo put his arms around him.

“Quirin, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Kylo said, softly. He wept into his shoulder. “I’m going to help you. It’s going to be okay.”

The words sounded like the one that he told Ben. Quirin eventually pulled away and wiped at his eyes. “Sorry.”

Kylo smiled lightly at him. “It’s okay. You…you seem like a nice kid. But you really need help.”

“Yeah,” Quirin laughed lightly. “I’m a bit of a mess. It’s what happens when you kind of wipe your best friend out of existence.”

“A nice but _strange_ kid,” Kylo managed to joke.

Quirin nodded and grinned. “It’s what happens when you’ve died a bunch of times.”

Kylo just sighed and lead him on, seeming to want to get this meeting over with. They found Rey’s building and Quirin found his hope starting to die. The building was run down and shady. He moved closer to Kylo and felt like a little boy next to him again, even though he came up to his shoulders now. Maybe that’s what was driving his emotions; this Kylo didn’t know him as a kid, so he was just reaching for the same feelings again. There was no lock on the outer door. That made Kylo frown and start sweeping the area. There was a passed out man at the bottom of the stairwell and the lights flickered. Why would someone like Rey live here?

They climbed the stairs until they reached the apartment with her last name taped to the door. Quirin found himself ducking behind Kylo as they knocked.

After a string of swears, the door opened. Quirin’s eyes went wide.

It was Rey but at the same time, it wasn’t. She was thin, thinner than she’d ever been. Her eyes were red and wide, looking at them with suspicion. Her hair was stringy and unwashed and her clothes were ripped and dirty. He could have sworn that there were track marks up her arms.

“Rey?” Quirin asked, looking at her. “What happened?”

She looked from him to Kylo, then back to him. “Do I know you? Or you?”

Kylo sighed, sizing her up and frowning. “He…he thinks that he knows you. Are you Rey Niima?”

She nodded. “Are you guys cops?”

Quirin shook his head. “No. Are you?”

She laughed, almost bitterly. “What would give you that idea? Look, come inside. There are far meaner people out here than I am. Sorry for the mess. Do I owe you money? Because I don’t have any.”

Her apartment was a mess. She left them to flop down on the couch, tossing a towel over the drugs that Quirin didn’t recognize on the table. She sniffed and wiped at her nose.

“Why are you here?” She asked. “And who are you?”

“He’s Ben Solo and I’m Quirin Jinn,” Quirin managed to say, feeling small again. Kylo just stood there, not uncomfortable but taking in the scene. “You’re Rey Niima. I…I messed something up and I think that this is all of my fault.”

She laughed, resentment in her tone. “Really? You? You’re a teenager. Are you the man that raped me? Are you the cops that messed up the case? Are you the one that kicked us out of the house? You weren’t even born.”

Quirin carefully moved to sit beside her, looking for something in her eyes that reminded him of the woman that he knew, the one that had sat beside him in the washroom before he kissed her. Kylo slowly came towards them, sitting on the chair across from her, after moving a pile of clothes onto the floor. Rey kept looking at him, ignoring Quirin.

“What’s your story?” She quirked her head. “You have very nice hair. I wonder what it feels like.”

“I’m with him,” Kylo answered, softness in his tone. “Can you tell me what drugs you are on right now?”

She narrowed her eyes. “You are a cop.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Listen to me!” Quirin yelled, breaking the tension. “Rey, you told me what happened to you in high school and it made me so mad. But you said that it made you want to be a cop. That must be my fault.”

She turned to him and her mouth was set in a bitter line. “Just…what are you even talking about? I’m kind of messed up right now.”

Quirin rubbed his face, panic setting in. “Can we fix it?”

“Fix what?”

“Fix you being messed up. I need you to listen to me.”

She rolled her eyes. “That would take a while.”

Impatient, Quirin punched himself in the leg. He didn’t have time for this. “Okay, then just listen to me and have, like, an open mind. Both of you.”

They both looked at him with the same suspicious looks on their faces.

“Okay,” he took a deep breath. “My name is Quirin Jinn. I met you guys when I was being kidnapped and murdered by his grandfather, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin was looking to get revenge for his dead wife on these two lawyers running for DA. He’d take children and start a time loop. That’s when the same day happens over and over again. The only way to end the loop is to either get the person to join you, or you kill them. But they have to want to die. The thing about the day I met Ky-, um, Ben, was that we’re cousins. And because of that, Anakin couldn’t end the day. Ben figured out how to get him, but then just…gave up. He died for me and _you_ and your son. Maybe he knew that you were pregnant, I still haven’t gotten to that day yet. And I need to.”

They just blinked at him. So he cleared his throat, pushed his hair back like he remembered Kylo doing, and tried to keep going.

“So, anyway, Ben died. And I was just a kid and it sucked. Rey, you were sad and then we found out about Ben, your son, and it’s just been us since then. That’s why we did this. Me and your son, we’re trying to jump into the loops to save you, but we keep missing the right day,” he shook his head. “And then we found the absolute worst day.”

Rey looked at Kylo and shrugged. “Did that make any sense?”

“He explained part of it to me earlier,” Kylo nodded. “But he knows things about my past and my family. He had a key to my apartment.”

“Yeah, you never moved the spare key,” Quirin shot at him.

Kylo narrowed his eyes. “Anyway, he keeps saying that we were partners, as cops. I was a detective, but I retired after my father got sick to take a teaching job to help my mother. I’ve never met you before and I really don’t care what you have under that towel.”

Rey met his eyes and seemed to relax before looking at Quirin again. He caught a flash of the Rey he knew in her eyes and he decided to keep going.

“You’re my friend, Rey. You’re nothing like my mom. You’re like my older sister or something. You, me, and Ben, we are a family. I don’t like seeing you like this and know that I did something in the past to mess it all up. Ben, this Ben, he can help you. It’s like, in the time loop, he always loved you and you would fall in love with him. I always talk to your son about how in love you were. He just wants you two to be together and have a mom and a dad,” he tried to sound confident, but was starting to hear his voice shake again.

She sat back and he could almost see her ribs through her light shirt. It made him cringe and the guilt cut him deeper. Maybe Han’s death had caused the cops that had helped her to be better. Maybe Anakin had done something in the past that set those events in motion. He didn’t know and would never find out. He just had to get back to the right day and fix it.

“How…what are you doing? What are you doing to fix whatever you’re talking about?” Rey flopped her head in his direction. “If you want something to mellow you out, I have some pot.”

Quirin shook his head. “No thanks. I’m good. What we do is this thing that I figured out a while ago. We just cut our fingers a little and we think about the day in the loop. After Ben had the idea to save his granddad, well, we messed it up. I woke up today and then…it went wrong. Now, he’s not here and I can’t get back.”

She closed her eyes. “You’re more messed up than me, Q.”

“Quirin, maybe we should go.” Kylo stood. “We’ll leave Rey to her…evening.”

She opened her eyes and smirked at him. “But I like looking at you. You can stay. I won’t even charge you.”

Quirin wanted to scream. How could he fix this? He put his head in his hands and slumped forward.

“I can’t do this without Ben,” he mumbled. “How do I get back?”

“Hey,” Rey reached over and touched his leg. Her fingers were practically skeletal. “He’s also Ben and your cousin too, or whatever. Just…cut your finger. Do the weird thing with him.”

Quirin’s head shot up and he grabbed her hand. “Holy shit, Kylo, we can do that! You can come back with me!”

Kylo just looked at them both like they were both on drugs. But eventually sighed and sat down. “Quirin, she’s in no state to give advice. She can hardly keep her head up.”

“Don’t you want to help her? To help me?” Quirin asked. “You said that you would help me, Ben. And I know you care about people and that there’s something that ties you two together. She _always_ loves you. Every day. You told me. You’re like soul mates.”

He suddenly stood up and needed to move, the ideas coming to him.

“ _That’s_ why I’m here!” he said. “Ben, you need to help me and then help her.”

“No offence, Qui,” Rey motioned to her apartment. “I have all I need right here.”

Kylo looked slightly angry but didn’t say anything. “Quirin. We should go.”

“No, no,” he shook his head. He moved to sit closer to Rey. She looked at him with glazed over eyes and it made his heart hurt. “Rey, listen to me, like, just listen. You’re a great person. You’re smart and good and try hard at everything. You don’t think that we notice when you’re sad, but you still tell us. You’re strong and I know that something bad happened to you, but he can help you.”

She looked from him to Kylo again. “He doesn’t even look like he cares.”

Quirin reached for her hands. “Okay, just, imagine that you’re on the beach. That you’re sitting there with him. You’re talking about your pasts and how you’ve both been hurt and feel alone. He’ll hold your hand and make you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters. I’ve seen it, Rey. I went there and saw how in love you are. It was real. I promise.”

Rey looked at his hands and sat up. “Quirin, look. I’ve been messed up since I was a teenager. I haven’t known anyone who’s been kind to me, let alone love me. And look at me now. I’m thirty-five. I’m just like my parents. No one is going to come and save me.”

“He can,” Quirin protested. “Just…just let him take you home. Talk to him. Please, Rey. I might have fucked this up, but I need you to try. You’re not nothing. You’re everything.”

She smiled at him. “Who are you and where did you come from? How do you have hope for me?”

Quirin looked at Kylo and saw a tired acceptance cross his face. “Quirin, if I…if I promised to help her, in whatever way that I can, will that help you?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “Please. Rey?”

She shrugged. “I don’t even know if I _can_ get clean.”

“You need to,” Kylo said, looking at her with a caring expression. “For yourself. And for him. He believes in you and he doesn’t even know you. And I…maybe I can help you. If no one has ever listened to you before, I don’t want to let you kill yourself with this life because the world let you down.”

“You don’t know me either,” she shook her head. “I’ve done bad things. I’m not a good person.”

“You’re not a bad person because bad things have happened to you,” he answered.

Quirin almost felt hopeful at the way that they were talking. But he also hoped that he could go back and undo all of it. He’d gotten them into this mess; now he needed to redo it all. This was going to suck.

He moved off the couch and started looking around the disgusting kitchen for anything to cut himself with. Nothing looked clean and he sighed. She heard him and sat up.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m doing what you said,” he opened a drawer. There were just elastic bands in there. “Do you have a knife or something?”

Kylo sighed. “Can you just…explain it again?”

Rey rose from the couch, brushing Kylo’s shoulder as she went with a small smile. “I can find you something that you won’t need to be afraid of.”

She went to a ratty jacket hanging by the door and pulled out a blade. It appeared to be clean and Quirin looked at it with a small grin. She went to the couch and he saw Kylo tensing. He rolled his eyes and went to sit by Rey and take the knife.

“It’s like this. I cut the tip of my finger,” he pointed to the still healing wound on the tip of his index finger. “And you do too. And then we press them together and think about a certain day. Even if we haven’t been there before, we have still thought about it. It’s the day that your dad had to kill your granddad. I need to go back there and unfuck this. So you guys are okay.”

“So,” Kylo took off his glasses and sighed. “So, we just…go there?”

“Pretty much,” he shrugged. “We kind of disappear. That’s what Rey said. It’s really weird. But, she needs help and I don’t want you to come with me. I don’t want you to see your dad die.”

Kylo closed his eyes and then blinked them open. “I…so you’re just going to take my blood and…disappear?”

He nodded. He couldn’t take Kylo with him. It wouldn’t work. The world would explode or something. “But I need your help to get me there and then I’ll let go. And then you can help her. Listen, okay, if I do just disappear, promise me that you’ll help her.”

Kylo slowly moved his gaze to Rey. She was looking at the towel on her coffee table. He met Quirin’s eyes and nodded, taking the knife and drawing blood. “Part of me hopes that you’re wrong.”

Quirin took the knife and slit open the healing wound on his finger with a wince. “I’m right. I know.”

He reached for Kylo’s hand and after a second, he took it. Feeling for the warmth of his bloody finger. He closed his eyes and thought back to the shop. He thought about Han and Anakin. He thought about Ben and how scared he looked. He started to feel the room hum around him and his ears started to hurt. He felt the warmth of his nosebleed and the sensation of Kylo’s hand in his. The deep pain in his lungs started to rise and then he felt lightheaded and blinked open his eyes, pulling his hand away, as Kylo and Rey started to fade away.

He hoped that they would be okay.

Everything blurred and he felt sick as the room spun around him. He was dizzy and sitting still at the same time. It was awful. His head didn’t feel like it was part of his body. But it was happening. Kylo had done it. And he was back in the 80s, in the storeroom. His eyes scanned the shelves. Yes, it was the right time.

He was alone, but it had worked.

He reached for the door and heard the commotion outside the other door and closed it again. He heard Han and Anakin shouting at one another again. This was where they had messed up before. This was how he lost Ben. This was how he ruined Rey’s life. He sat against the door and pulled his legs up to his chin and started to rock back and forth. He had to wait there and let him die.

He heard the muffled sound of voices. And the distant sound of Han saying “Yes.”

And then the shot.

And then the slam of a door, through the entrance that Ben and he had come through before.

He took a slow breath.

That’s when he left the closet. He slowly opened the second door, taking in what he saw. The man he had tried to save before was now dying and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

He scrambled up to Han. He was still breathing, gasping.

“Han, Han, I’m sorry,” he said, reaching for his wound. “You’re going to die, but I can’t save you.”

He blinked at him and shook his head.

“Think about your son, please. Think about the future,” he put his open wound into the blood and felt himself gag at the sensation. He put his hand on Han’s chest. “You saw your son in a dream, in the future. Take me there. Take me to that day!”

Han was fading and Quirin slammed his eyes shut, focusing on the cathedral and being there with Rey and Kylo. He remembered being there and seeing Anakin. He felt himself getting lightheaded, warmth swimming up to his chest, and then blacked out.

There was incense. And warmth. He was so bad at this.

He blinked awake, wiping at his nose again. His heart started thundering in his chest instantly, feeling the tile beneath him. He was on the floor, at the back of the church. He could see _himself_ and Anakin near the altar. Anakin was shifting his weight from side to side and he could see that he was talking and, although he couldn’t hear what he was saying, he knew what was going on. He had to get this part right.

_“Hold still, boy, he’ll be here soon.”_

_“Please don’t hurt him, please. He’s my friend.”_

_“He’s no one’s friend. Hold still.”_

_“Why do you want to hurt me?”_

“Because I want to,” Quirin whispered to himself, mimicking Anakin’s words. He crawled closer to the pew and glanced behind him. He needed to get to the gift shop. That’s where he could fix everything. Han had done it. Han had put him in the right spot. He didn’t know how he’d done it, but he was right where he had to be. It was like he wanted him to save his son. He didn’t want to let him down.

He tried to remember how this day went and smirked to himself. He repeated the distant memory and waited. This was about when he had stomped on Anakin’s foot and tried to get away. He remembered just wanting to save Kylo and wanting to get away. He heard his previous self yell and the sound of Anakin’s protests and scrambled for the small room. He had to open the door, but didn’t close it fully, hoping he wasn’t seen.

Quirin took several, deep, hard breaths.

How was he supposed to kill Anakin?

He didn’t even have a gun. He didn’t know how to _shoot_ a gun.

Shit.

He looked around the room, looking for anything that might help him. He hopped over the counter and tried to find some anti-robbery thing, touching every surface. Of course a church wouldn’t have a gun.

He ducked down when he heard the main door open. They were here. Kylo and Rey. He sat down and the floor and tried to still his heart.

The door to the gift shop burst open and he held his breath.

“So, we go in, come on Ben… We have to stop him before he hurts Quirin.”

There was a long pause and the he heard the sound of two mouths meeting and he closed his eyes. He heard Kylo sigh and the sound of her trying to fight against him. He held his hand to his mouth.

“I love you, but I can’t let you come with me this time.”

“Ben, please. We can do it together.”

“No, Rey, no. He wants me. I need to do this to save you.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry, love.”

There was the snapping of the cuffs closing and her instant reaction. He was immediately angry at Kylo for his decision again. Why would he want to leave them? He bit his hand, trying not to scream at him to stop along with her.

“Ben! Please. No!”

“Don’t forget that I love you. And always will. Today, tomorrow, forever. I can’t come back for you again. Have a tomorrow, Rey. For me.”

He ducked down lower as the door to the gift shop closed and bit the inside of his mouth. He heard her yelling and sobbing. She screamed after him and it broke his heart. This was what he had missed as a boy. This was what he didn’t hear before he came to her. He had been so determined to listen to his hero that he sat there, blindly accepting the words. But this made him hate himself all over again. Her words cut into him. She was saying that she loved him and not to leave her alone again. He remembered her haunted eyes at the funeral and blamed himself all over again. He had to let Kylo’s father die again to get here. He couldn’t let that happen this time. Quirin started to sit up and still felt himself crying with her, as silently as he could. She kept wrenching at the cuffs; he could almost hear her skin breaking as she pulled at it. He needed to help her. He couldn’t wait any longer for him as a boy to show up. He stood up and hopped over the counter.

She looked up at him with shock and he put a finger to his mouth. “Shh.”

“Who…what are you doing here?” Her voice was hushed now, hoarse from screaming.

“Shh…the boy will be here soon,” he said, sitting next to her. Her wrist was bleeding and he reached for it. “It will be okay this time, Rey.”

She blinked at him, meeting his eyes. “What are you doing here? Get away, this is dangerous.”

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I’m going to fix it.”

She looked at the door, not caring who she was talking to. “He’s going to let him kill him, isn’t he?”

He shook his head. “You’re going to stop him. You have your gun, right?”

She nodded, tears still in her eyes. “Why would he _do_ this? Who are you?”

“I’m…just a friend. Okay?”

They took a few deep breaths as he held her hand. She was too distracted by what was happening outside the room to question him further. She kept pulling at the cuffs and he tried to stop her. He attempted to calm his heart, but it was all over the place. He needed to do this for Ben. He kept counting the seconds for the door to open again. Finally, it did. And he saw himself scrambling inside.

“Quirin,” he said, standing up and talking to his younger self.

The smaller version of him looked at him with a trembling lip. “Who are you?”

He went over to the boy and hugged him. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t screw this up. This was his only chance.

“Listen to me, okay? Kylo is going to do something stupid. Rey is going to have a baby. They need to be a family. Give her the key right now and, um, they’ll take you to…” what did he want when he was nine years old? Lego? Right? “Legoland. They promised.”

The boy, with shining eyes, looked up at him. “Really? Just me and Rey and Kylo?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Give me the key, Qui.”

He felt the younger boy nod against him and the key was pressed in his hand. He instantly dove for Rey and handed her the key.

She undid the cuffs and took off her shoes. “Thank you. Whoever you are. Sit with him, okay?”

He nodded, and hugged himself closer as she slipped out the door. He felt joy start to overtake him. He was there. He had done it. He just wished that Ben was there to save his dad. In a way, he was.

“What’s happening?” He heard himself say.

“It’ll be okay,” he breathed, hugging the boy to him. “It’s going to hurt soon.”

He closed his eyes and started to feel tired. There was silence. Then a shout. And a shot. There was pressure in his head spread to his nose and he heard his younger self scream. The world blurred into grey and then white and finally darkness overtook him.

The blackness stretched on and on. He felt awake, but at the same time, he was just drifting. He heard Ben’s voice, Rey’s voice, and finally Kylo’s. He saw Kylo in the today and then another today. He saw him and Rey back in the future that he had created by saving Han. He couldn’t cry in his darkness, but he slowly felt a warm presence pull him into a white, safe space.

Han stood there, looking both young and old at the same time. He felt the same way.

“So, you’re my sister’s kid?” The man said.

“Yeah,” he answered. “I messed it up, but I think I finally did okay.”

Han smirked at him. “You’re going to get me a grandson, and you saved my son. I think that you did more than okay.”

“But Han, why couldn’t I save you?” He asked, reaching for him. His hand went right through him and he felt dizzy.

The other man shrugged. “You can’t save everyone. Hey, let my son know that I love him. I tried to tell him that, but he’s a little stubborn. He takes after me. And I’m glad that I met my grandson. He looks good. At least he takes after his mother.”

Quirin tried to reach for him again. “What about the other one? On the day that I messed up?”

Han looked away. “They’re okay. And you really should take the name Solo. It suits you.”

He smiled again. “Can we see you again?”

The older man shook his head. “What’s your name again?”

“Quirin.”

“Listen, Q, don’t. Try to stop all of this. It’s a mess, dealing with what’s here, what’s gone, and what could happen. I’ll be with you. _All of you_. Just don’t go looking for me. I’m here. Don’t forget that.”

He felt it all fading and the pain spread through his body. It was overwhelming. He looked for Han, but he was gone. He was asleep, but not. He didn’t know where he was. He dropped into the blackness again and he took it in until it stopped.

Quirin woke up and felt a wave of nausea roll through his body. For a moment, he couldn’t see. He felt blindly around, realizing he was in a bed. There were soft sheets and a wall. He wasn’t in the church. He was somewhere warm and safe. As his room slowly came into focus, everything still felt wrong. But Anakin was dead? How was he here?

He blinked, as the space suddenly became familiar to him again. Instead of his music and tennis books propped up on the windowsill, there was a teddy bear and comic books. Even the curtains were wrong. He looked down at his sheets. Instead of the dark grey ones that he remembered, they were Lego themed. He felt like he couldn’t breathe in a way that he had never felt before.

He finally looked down at his legs. They were no longer the legs of a young man, but the legs of a boy. He felt for the light stubble that he had finally been able to grow and found nothing. His face was back to being round.

He was nine years old again.

“Kylo,” he said to himself. “He _has_ to be alive.”

He threw himself out of bed and pulled off his pyjamas and tossed them into the corner. He looked down at his feet and marvelled at how small they were. He didn’t understand what was happening, but the pressure in his chest to move took over. Did he have any clothes that didn’t suck? Opening the small dresser in his room, he found socks, underwear and a pair of decent jeans. Everything was everywhere. Why was he such a lame kid? He finally found a black t-shirt and pulled it on. Everything else had a cartoon character on it. It was a couple minutes after 6 a.m. Kylo must be awake. It didn’t feel like the empty mornings when he was gone. His clock didn’t tell him anything more than the time. Mom and dad wouldn’t be awake yet because if _this_ was the right day, they were exhausted from rescuing him at the church. He crept out of his room, glancing at their door. He should probably leave a note, but there wasn’t time.

Dad’s wallet was in his jacket, hung up on the chair. He took all of the cash in there and grabbed his own coat and slipped on his shoes. They were Velcro; couldn’t he tie his own shoes? It as strange to be small again, but that was a price that he was willing to pay. He carefully shut the front door and ran from his house into the chilly morning air. He took a few deep breaths, realizing how much more energy he had as a kid. He hopped and jumped and felt a moment of joy at being awake and alive. He had to get to Kylo’s. He could just take a cab. He tried to find one on their empty suburban street and rolled his eyes.

The flaws in his plan hit him almost immediately. What cab driver would stop for a nine-year-old boy? He walked for a few blocks until he finally saw a waiting taxi, just dropping someone off. He walked up and tapped on the window.

“Hi, can you take me downtown?”

The driver looked at him with a frown. “Where are your parents?”

“It’s an emergency. I have money.”

He tried to look as pleading as possible.

“Get in, kid,” he finally answered after a long pause. When Quirin was in the cab, the driver passed him a tissue. “Your nose is bleeding.”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

He gave Kylo’s address and sat back, feeling his heart racing again. He held the tissue to his nose and smiled to himself. He had to get there. He needed to see if he did it right finally. He saw the building start to approach in the distance and sat up and started tapping on the door.

After handing the driver the money, plus a tip because hey, he may be a stupid kid again, but that didn’t make him rude.

He ran up to the door and fished out the spare key.

“You guys are _really_ bad detectives,” he mumbled to himself, opening the front door and running up the stairs.

Looking at the door, he felt his panic start to rise. What if he’d messed it up? What if this was the wrong day? He didn’t have a phone and didn’t even know if he was right about all of this.

Finally gaining his nerve, he knocked at the door.

He stepped back and waited.

Kylo answered the door, looking both confused and annoyed, wearing a robe and holding a cup of coffee. He spotted him and his mouth dropped open.

“Quirin, how did you get here?”

He instantly hugged him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“What day is it, Kylo? Is it the 25th?”

“Yeah, bud, yeah it is. It’s tomorrow,” Kylo put one arm around him and let him into the apartment. Rey was sitting at the kitchen table, only wearing a t-shirt. She was bruised with a cut lip and tried to hide behind the table. But they were both there, alive. He pulled himself away from Kylo to hug her.

“Quirin? How did you get here?” She asked, accepting the embrace. She looked embarrassed, but he didn’t care.

He instantly put his head against her stomach, expecting to hear Ben’s heartbeat. He could feel her looking at Kylo and put his hands on her bare legs.

“Did you guys have sex yesterday?” He asked, too excited to be polite.

“Quirin!” Rey pushed him back. “That’s a personal question!”

Kylo moved to stand beside him and knelt down. He could see a gunshot wound, covered by a bandage. Kylo frowned at, him but gave him a small nod. He instantly smiled. _Yes_.

“You guys are going to have a baby!” He shouted. “I’m going to go get Ben’s room ready.”

He ran to the guest room and left the adults behind him, confused. He opened the door and started moving things like they should be. He started laughing, overjoyed. He heard the door open and close as Rey entered the room. He ran up and hugged her again. He was suddenly very, very annoyed by his short legs.

“Quirin, what are you talking about?”

She pulled him down on the guest bed and he sat next to her. He held her hand and grinned.

“Rey, I was there!” He exclaimed. He hated the sound of his voice as a child, but could accept it.

She looked at him with careful eyes. And then they widened.

“You were the boy who gave me the key.”

He nodded. “We did it.” He reached for her stomach and carefully patted it. “Me and Ben.”

He saw tears forming in her eyes. “Ben!”

Kylo filled the doorway and looked at them both. Rey just shook her head.

“We need to call his parents,” he mumbled, sitting down next to him. Quirin reached for Kylo’s hand and put it on Rey’s stomach. He looked confused and Quirin just grinned.

“Ben,” Rey said in a hushed voice, like he couldn’t hear. “He was there, with us, but older. He gave me the key.”

Kylo stiffened and shook his head. “There was no one else there, Rey. We left together. All of us.”

She shook her head as he stretched out to listen to her stomach. He needed to hear Ben’s heartbeat. He reached out for it, looking for his friend. Somewhere, in the loop.

It would be too early, but he swore he felt something.

“I hear him,” he said, then yawned. “He’s here. You guys will never be alone again.”

“Quirin, what are you talking about?” He heard Kylo say and he shifted over to his lap. He was warm and alive and himself. He wanted to tell him everything, but there were too many things to say. How special Ben was. How much he loved him.

“I missed you,” he managed to say. “You’re going to be a dad. It’s going to be great.”

He felt Kylo stroking his hair and smiled. He closed his eyes and heard them talking. But it all faded away.

He might have to deal with elementary school and junior high again, but it was worth it.

At least he’d be better at calculus this time.

 

 


End file.
